EXISTENTIAL DESPONDENCY: UNDERSTAND THIS

February 2019, New York City.

NYC, 2019.

lyrics

 UNDERSTAND THIS 
Don't let them tell you you're too young for this- a mid life crisis, 
they don't hardly know where your life is. 
Can't wait till forty-five, Lord knows how long you'll survive in a world like this- 
go fund those bills for what keeps you alive; 
Quarter to a century that most don't make- 
but even half feels like an achievement, make no mistake. 
When I see those from across that line I’m awed, but my second take-
how long till you're taken? 
They'll laugh and say “kid, you're still young" and in a a sense, they're right- 
you've only just begun to feel it: the aches, time won't heal this- but at least. 
we're still. having. fun... 

So call it what you will because the dice are long cast 
And all the friends of all my friends are all dropping fast 
You know I wonder, which status update will be my last? 
'cause when the air fills with a familiar name- 
is it death or is it fame? 
I'm scared to ask around these days, 
though it won't change the outcome 

The greatest freedom I was given was the freedom to die 
I didn't know it when she told me but I held it inside 
They'll lie and say anything just to keep you alive 
But the truth is that they're far too scared to understand why 

Understand This: I'm not trying to be fallen. 
Understand This: I don't want to make you cry. 
Understand This: I'm not looking for a darkness. 
Understand This: don't think I never tried. 

Understand This: sometimes life is awful heavy. 
Understand This: I'm not out looking to die. 
Understand This: though I know it hurts to watch me, 
Understand This: sometimes you have to fall to fly.

This is just one of those things that started out as a few shitty forced lines over a cheap meal that took on a life of it’s own.